All I Want
by Sadako- Tokumei Kibou
Summary: All Goten wants for Christmas is his daddy, but little does he know that his brother and mother want it too. But can they tell him the painful truth? Goku just isn't coming home...


Disclaimer: Ah, let's get it over with. DBZ isn't mine, so don't sue. I need that money to make it through the rest of college. x_x 

**Ok, now for a quick AN (and another when this fic's done). I don't know why, but I love that 7-year period where Goku is dead. That's a huge gap where anything can happen! So, I write a lot about that time period and this is another fic about that time. When you see the three stars (***), that means it's a change in time and/or a change in POV (Point of View). I wanted to cover Chi-Chi's, Gohan's, and Goten's POV about Christmas without Goku, ok? Now onto the fic.  **

All I Want 

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**_Dear Santa,_**

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**_I have a lot of things to tell you. Firstly, my name is Son Goten. I am six years old. I live at Mount Paozu and I am in the first grade. My mommy teaches me and she teaches me how to be a good fighter too. I also have a big brother. His name is Gohan and he's the very best big brother! He is so cool. _**

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**_But you know what, Santa? I don't have a daddy. I know lots of kids have daddies, but I don't have one. It never used to hurt that I never had a daddy, but it hurts now. Have I been a good boy this year? I tried to be so that I can just have one wish._**

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**_The only thing I want this year is my daddy. Can you please find him and make him come home? He looks like me, only bigger, with black hair that sticks up and black eyes. Tell him that I want to see him so much and that I can't wait to see him. _**

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**_If you can do this, I'd be so happy and I will believe in you forever. Please Santa. Make my daddy come home._**

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**_                                                                        Love,_**

**_                                                                       Goten_**

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****

**Goten put his pencil down on his work desk and leaned away from it, finally glad to have completed his letter. He looked over it, making sure it was absolutely perfect. A smile graced his lips as a sign of satisfaction, and he scooted his chair back. **

**Gathering his envelope before plopping down onto the floor, Goten sighed with relief. He was really hoping this letter would get through to Santa. Folding the letter neatly, he placed it inside the envelope and scribbled 'To Santa' on the front of it.**

**Goten grinned once the whole ordeal was complete, and he began to search his room for his lace-up boots. **

**He found the brown pair of shoes by the foot of his bed, and slipped them on, never minding the laces. He then went through his drawers, finding thicker layers to wear. **

**Even if it was just a walk to the mailbox, Goten knew his mother would be worried if he didn't dress warm. Well, now he was dressed and had his letter in his hand. He left his room and found his way to the front door.**

**"Be right back!" he called over his shoulder as he waddled out into the snow, leaving the door wide open behind him. **

**Goten's trip to the mailbox was unsuccessful as he was stopped by Gohan's timely voice. "Goten! You left the door open! What do you think you're doing?"**

**The disappointed boy turned around and pointed to the mailbox standing two feet higher than his head. "I'm gonna put my letter in the box, 'Nii-chan."**

**Gohan rolled his eyes from the front door, and headed toward Goten, closing the door behind him. His giant footsteps in the snow overlapped Goten's as he stood next to him.**

**"Let me see that," Gohan said, taking Goten's envelope. He frowned and shook his head, looking it over. "This doesn't have a stamp or a return address on it, Goten. You can't mail it. Now come inside before Mom worries about you."**

**"But-"**

**"Come on, Goten! It's freezing anyway!" Gohan urged. He resorted to picking up the stubborn child under his arm, holding his envelope in the other hand. A minor squabbling occurred until a new voice spoke from the front door.**

**Gohan looked up at Chi-Chi frowning at the front door, beckoning him and Goten to come back. "You see?" he told Goten. "Now let's go."**

*******

"You boys are out there as it's getting colder and colder. We're supposed to be getting a lot more snow for Christmas, but I don't want you out there dressed the way you are," I gently chided my sons.

**Gohan sighed, put down Goten, and gave me an envelope. "Don't blame me. Goten wanted to mail this thing off. I just went out to get him."**

**"I told you I was leaving!" Goten protested, but the words just rolled off Gohan's back as he walked away. Goten growled. **

**I bent to Goten's level and a wobbly smile comes to my lips as I see the way my youngest is dressed. He still hadn't mastered clothing himself right, as his fur hat is on backwards, and his scarf is falling off his shoulder.**

**His coat was buttoned all wrong, and his mittens and boots were on the opposite hand and foot. **

**I chuckled softly, taking the heavy layers off Goten. "What were you trying to do out there, sweetie?" I asked him.**

**Goten fidgeted out of his pajama shirt under his coats. "I was gonna put my letter in the mailbox, Mommy, but Gohan tried to stop me. He said there wasn't a stamp and a dress." **

**I looked confused. "A letter? Well, if you wanted to mail a letter, you should've told me so we could've done it together. It's a return address, not a dress. Anyway, who is the letter for?"**

**Goten beamed. "I wrote it all by myself! It's for Santa. 'Cause I asked him if he could bring Daddy home this year!" **

**I became slightly startled and surprised, but I tried not to show it. I took away Goten's layers and sat him on the nearby couch. I tried to concentrate on taking his boots off, but I'm distracted by what he told me. **

**I wasn't sure if Goten had been serious about Santa. I kept telling him it was only a story. Then I remembered how much he hangs out with Trunks. I guess Trunks may have just a little more influence than I have on Goten.**

**But it was heartbreaking to know Goten realized he had no father and wanted Goku to come back this year. But… **

**Oh, how many times have I wanted Goku to come back too?**

**We keep on living without our great protector, and Gohan and I are used to it, but not Goten. It's not fair to him. Then again, is it fair for Gohan and me?**

**Bombarded by images and stories of being with loved ones around the holidays, and the reality that it will never happen to the Son family has finally tore a hole in our souls.**

**My soul.**

**Gohan's soul.**

**Goten's soul.**

**We are all the same. Broken, incomplete, lost and tormented… **

**However, we're on different levels. I know how important a father figure is in a child's life and though many teenagers don't like to say it, I know they need their father too. Not having one only results in a sense of feeling torn.**

**As for me… I haven't felt Goku's touch in years. It used to drive me insane. Not because I wanted him to incite certain feelings, though this sometimes was the case, but because I just simply wanted to be near him.**

**Sometimes, if I let my guard down, it does still drive me insane.**

**"Mommy?"**

**Goten's voice brought me back to reality, and I looked up at him curiously. "Is there somethin' the matter?" he asked me, noting my thoughtful, melancholy expression. I shook my head and took his boots to place them by the mat at the front door.**

**"'Kay," Goten said, and then snapped his fingers as he smiled brightly. "Hey! You know what, Mommy?"**

**"What, honey?" I asked, glad he had forgotten about his letter so soon. **

**Goten pointed out the window to an ocean of pine trees in the distance. "Maybe 'Nii-chan can bring home a Christmas tree and we can decorate it and stuff together like we do every year!"**

**I smiled softly. "Okay. I'll ask him."**

**In reality, I don't want to. Not because I don't want a Christmas tree this year, or to smash Goten's hopes of having one, but because I know how Gohan is. A bitter side of him always seems to come forth whenever holidays or important social events come up.**

**Events that involved families being together.**

**"Look at all those happy kids," he would say. "They take their families for granted. They just expect to be fed, warm, loved and have a roof over their head. Some of us don't have that. They don't know what it means to work for it."**

**I would sense that Gohan was jealous, and I wouldn't know what to say to him. It's not like I could change it. I'm grateful alone that Gohan took care of me when I was at my worst.**

**And everyday, I doubt if I can really handle this alone. **

**_10 days until Christmas…_**

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***********

The very next day, I brought home a Christmas tree from the woods, as requested by Goten and Mom. We would start decorating it soon, and for a while, I could get my mind off some things.

**Goten is so simple-minded and cheerful, even when he discovers that every year, Dad isn't coming home, no matter how much he desires it.**

**How much I desire it.**

**How much Mom desires it.**

**I try not to be selfish about these kinds of things, but I'd really like Dad to come now. Isn't it about time? I know he knows Goten is here, and how much he's missed in his and my life.**

**And Mom…**

**I can still close my eyes and remember her soft and bitter cries. I can still remember a certain look in her eyes when she thinks she's alone. I'm not stupid. I know. I wonder if she wonders if she means anything to Dad, if he loves her anymore.**

**Seeing her like that only motivated me to do my best and make her happy.**

**Because Dad isn't here to do it.**

**_9 days until Christmas…_**

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****

The tree was decorated halfway, and looked very pretty, especially with the glowing angel decoration at the top of it. Decorating the tree together was a cherished tradition, and one of the best things, according to Goten, was that presents would soon be underneath it. 

But this year, Goten only wanted one thing. He wanted his daddy to come home. 

**He hadn't expected Goku's return to be anything fancy, as if the sky would part by a heavenly light and Goku would descend from the clouds.**

**A simple knock at the door and him behind it would've been enough to satisfy Goten. He kept his hopes up that this would be the year that his daddy would come home…**

**_8 days until Christmas…_**

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***********

The snow falls lightly in the dark sky, making it seem like the stars themselves are gracefully dropping to the ground. Maybe stars will be on the ground in the morning! I smile at the thought of that, and lean my head against the cold windowpane.

**I see the full moon shining on the snow-covered ground below, seeming to make it sparkle. It's very pretty, but it's also very cold.**

**I bring my knees to my chest and hope to get even warmer, even though I'm wrapped up in a blanket. Hot chocolate is in a mug, warming my small hands surrounding it.**

**I look at the pale moon once more, thinking about Daddy.**

**I've only heard stories about him, and how great and wonderful person he was. I wish I could get to know him, especially knowing that I look like him. Someday, I'll see him. I know I will.**

**Even though it seems my dreams of seeing Daddy have been smashed in the past, I know this year I'll see him. I feel something this year.**

**Suddenly, my ears pick up the sound of someone coming into the living room. I turn and smile at Mommy. She looks like the angel at the top of the Christmas tree, pretty in her white nightgown and with the lights from the tree shining on her.**

**"Hi, Mommy," I whisper. "Wanna watch the snow fall with me?"**

**I don't know why, but she gets this smile on her face and comes to sit next to me. I offer her some of my hot chocolate, but she shakes her head and looks at me teasingly. **

**"I had to clean up the mess you made in the kitchen," she says.**

**"Oops," I giggle.**

**It was silent for the few moments I cuddled with Mommy and we watched the snow fall. I lean my head back into her chest and listen to her heart, and how it's very soothing. I wonder if I will feel the same way if I ever cuddled with Daddy.**

**"Mommy?"**

**"Hm?" she responds. I tilt my head to look up at her. "Do you ever think about Daddy on nights like this? I can't wait until he comes."**

**She looks away, and I think she's sad. I frown, and think I upset her. **

**"Yes, Goten," she whispers. "I still do and I can't wait either."**

**She still looks sad, and I say no more.**

**_7 days until Christmas…_**

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***********

**It's night once more, and I sneaked into the house with several bags in my arms. I tiptoed toward the lit tree and carefully began to place the arranged presents under the tree. I smiled once I was done, and crumple the bag.**

**Mom and Goten have presents this year. I'm this year's Santa, as usual. But I never minded. That is, until now. I wish I could be a _real_ Santa and bring home what Mom and Goten really want.**

**And that is Dad.**

**I sighed and stand up to retreat to my room. _When are you coming home, Dad? It's horrible without you around. Every year our dormant pain comes to life when we can't feel your presence, _I thought sadly.**

**At least, maybe, the presents I secretly brought will bring a little happiness into our lives.**

**_6 days until Christmas…_**

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**The days went by in a wistful manner. It still managed to be peaceful, despite the constant reminders of a complete, happy family. Tears refused to be shed, hearts didn't break easily, and hope never gave in. Only the traditions went on, and love stayed in their hearts.**

**They tried to make the best of the situation, even though they knew true happiness would not arrive until they knew for sure Goku would come back to them. **

**_5 days until Christmas…_**

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***********

**I sat by the same window Goten and I had gazed out of one night. I'm watching Goten and Gohan play outside, and I feel a little bit better, despite the way I've been feeling lately.**

**I would feel my heart sink whenever I see Goten so happy these days. I know he's always been a happy-go-lucky child, and that he doesn't see how gloomy it may be for other people.**

**But this year, he's especially overjoyed.**

**He kept mentioning the things he'd love to do with Goku when he came back. He kept saying he couldn't wait for Christmas; so all his dreams could come true. His hopes keep getting higher and higher, as I sit back and say nothing.**

**And I hate myself for it.**

**I hate lying to him. How can I break his heart with the truth? Goku isn't coming home this year, like every other year. I tried to think of a way to gently let him know. I tried to gather my courage and say it to him.**

**I tried a lot of things and they all fail. How am I ever going to let him know?**

**_4 days until Christmas…_**

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**The next day, I venture out to the mailbox, anticipating a Christmas card or a large box of presents from my father. He's always been sweet in this kind of way, surprising everyone, and bringing a grin to Goten's face every year.**

**I smile as I do indeed see an envelope attached to a colorfully decorated box in the snow. **

**I open the mailbox and see a letter inside. I absentmindedly took it and opened it. Then I smile again at my friend's thoughtfulness.**

**_Chi-Chi,_**

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**_It's been forever since we've talked! How's everything over there? We've got a bunch of ice and sleet in West City, and it's awful. But anyway, I'm inviting you and the boys to a Christmas Eve party. You know, just a get-together. Plus, Trunks is excited about seeing Goten. Hope you can make it._**

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**_                                                            Bulma_**

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I fold the invitation and prepare to load the box that my father sent me, into the house. This was surprisingly pleasant. This was everyone's chance to be happy. There would presents for everyone. At Bulma's party, Gohan could use the time to hang out with Kuririn, Videl, and the others. Goten could goof off with Trunks. And I…

**I sigh and hope that I'll find a little happiness myself.**

**_3 days until Christmas…_**

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***********

I sat at my desk and wrote out a thank-you note to Bulma. It was pretty nice to get invited to a party, and not have to worry about things for a while. Besides, I'm sure hanging out with the others is a much-needed situation. I hope Videl is at the party. Lately, it's been very nice just to be with her. I wonder if Dad ever felt the same way about Mom when he married her.

**_2 days until Christmas…_****__**

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***********

Even though people surround me, I still get this awful feeling that deep down, I'm alone. I didn't mind going to Bulma's party. I could tell she was happy to see me, and I could tell Gohan was cheering up with Videl, and Goten was excited to play with Trunks.

**That's okay, but sometimes I wish I could taste a little bit of that happiness too.**

**I'm strongly aware of my desire to have Goku with me, and how it overwhelms me not to feel his arms around me. I feel I'm at a loss. I lost everything. My dreams, my hope, my love…for him. I lost a part of myself.**

**The problem forces me away from the crowd and I step outside so I may cry alone.**

**_1 day until Christmas…_**

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******Christmas Day**

** Despite everything that had happened in the past ten days, Christmas was a peaceful day, accompanied by very cold temperatures. The thick snow outside was the first morning gift for everyone. It was still early when Goten awoke, and urged Gohan and Chi-Chi out of bed. Leading the way to the Christmas tree, Goten happily bounced downstairs and skipped into the living room.**

**To Gohan's delight, he saw the surprised and happy looks on his brother's and mother's face, and he soon had one of his own as he saw some presents for him under the tree, thanks to his grandfather.**

**After happily opening their gifts, they cleaned up the wrapping paper, and Chi-Chi offered to make a special breakfast of cinnamon rolls with frosting just for Christmas.**

**"Yay!" Goten cheered, and then smiled at his mother. "Are ya gonna make extras? Ya know, in case Daddy's coming? He should be on his way, right?" **

**Gohan had caught his mother's alarmed gaze for a split second before he saw her hang her head. Regret was etched on her face.**

**"Goten…" Chi-Chi trailed off. She hated this moment. She dreaded telling him that Goku had no intentions of coming home. And then what? Make him think that Goku hated him? **

**Chi-Chi locked her sorrowful eyes with Goten's. "Daddy isn't coming this year," she said quickly, spitting out those venomous words that would poison the heart of a six-year-old boy. **

**She forced herself to look at him, and her heart dropped to her stomach.**

**Disbelief and shock was all over Goten's face. He shook his head slowly, his round eyes shining with hurt and confusion. "He isn't?" he whispered, and sniffed, hanging his head of wild, dark hair.**

**"Daddy…"**

**Gohan looked down at Goten and frowned. "Goten," he said gently. "We told you that Santa wasn't real and that Dad's in the Other World." Then he felt an uncomfortable haze as Chi-Chi gave him a chiding look. **

**But the damage was done.**

**"I-I-I know," Goten sputtered, wiping his eyes and nose with this pajama shirtsleeve. "But if I thought about it, the pain would go away f-f-or a while." **

**He brought his head up to look at his mother morosely. "I dun wanna eat no more, Mommy. You can eat all the sticky buns." **

**He began a crestfallen journey to his room, every step causing his heart to descend. He was truly heartbroken. **

**No!**

**Chi-Chi sighed, frustrated. This wasn't how Christmas was supposed to go! Why did it have to turn out this way? The rest was clear. The day of happiness, of celebration, of giving would instead be spent trying to mend the broken heart of Son Goten. **

*******

The tears had fallen, the cries were hushed, and the resurfacing pain mellowed. But the very awareness of loneliness was still present. Goten only let his sorrow be expressed behind his closed door. He had soaked his pillow, until it was damp and warm.

He shoved his pillow aside, angrily. He was angry with himself for believing in Santa and believing that his father would come back. He had believed in a fairy tale. 

He was always taught to believe in himself so he could achieve anything. He believed Goku would come home this year.

But he didn't.

He was angry at the world that took Goku away from him. But most of all, his wistful thinking melted into sorrow.

Goten looked up at the ceiling and could see it was blurry, due to the hot tears clouding his eyes right now. _Daddy… Won't you ever come home? What does it mean if you don't come? You don't want to? I may never know, but I need you to come home and be a daddy to me. I know it may seem I focus on other things like playing or playing with Trunks, and studying…_

_But…_

_All I ever really wanted was you._

Owari

A/N:

(1) This fic is very special to me because it's based off a personal experience. When I was a kid, I felt just like Goten, wanting my father to be home for Christmas. The only difference was that my father was in the military and not dead. o_o; 

I just felt the urge to write this as a true story, so forgive me if it's not fluff…

(2) Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's.


End file.
